Oppdatert: 1. jul.
"So I kind of just stopped sharing on social media. I was still having fun. But the desire to prove it to other people was completely gone."
That desire didn´t disappear overnight. It was gradual. But there was one night that really did put things into perspective for me. I was with some friends and we were up all night, dancing around the fire, laughing until we were gasping for air, it was amazing. We were hanging out, talking, doing whatever, when all of the sudden, someone yelled "train" and everyone took off running. It was so dark, but I was just following the person in front of me, running faster than I´ve ran since the mile in 7th grade PE class, just screaming and laughing in between heavy breaths. We ran and stopped right next to the railroad tracks and in the nick of the time, the train came speeding down, nearly blowing all of us over. I still remember how it felt. The adrenaline, the force, the screaming horn. There were 3 of us, just grown adults, hands in the air, wind in our faces, screaming at the top of our lungs. It was pure euphoria. As always in these types of moments, the thought of "holy shit this is amazing" will come to me, and I begin to frantically try and hold on to every second of it. This thought is usually followed by me pulling out a camera or a phone, as a means to remember it. This time, my phone wouldn´t record. I had plenty of storage, my phone was working fine, but every time I would film - it wouldn´t be in my camera roll. I became even more frantic trying to capture this moment in time. I showed my friend, freaking out saying "why isn´t this working!?" And she said, "maybe it´s not supposed to."
I didn´t touch my phone for the next three days.
That night after the train, I began to think about why we have this need to share everything. And I started to panic. Seriously. I started panicking, actually breathing heavy, thinking about the hold social media has over all of us. Some obviously more than others, me....being in the "more than others" category. (I know, right?) but it just didn´t sit right with me. That moment on the train was so carefree, and special and happy - and I felt the need to share it. Which is normal. Thats what social media is for, to share those carefree happy moments. But why? I think I wanted people to feel what I felt. But when I thought about it... there´s just no way I could convey those feelings of adrenaline and joy through a grainy snapchat lens. Those people tapping through it on their phone screen wouldn´t know how it felt to stand next to a speeding train. They don´t care either. Maybe some people would think it´s cool, but then they tap through to their next story and never think of it again.
And the truth is, I get it. Filming and documenting your life´s greatest moments, is not anything to be ashamed of. It´s taking advantage of the incredible resources we have. And even sharing them isn´t shameful. There really isn´t anything wrong with sharing your best moments, your drunken club snapchats, your famous chili reipe, or your new favorite song. The problem is we (when I say we, I mean me, but I´m saying we so I don´t feel so bad about myself mmkay?) feel the pressure, and the desire to share everything. And for what? Why? Why do I feel the need to have to establish how much fun I´m having to these strangers on the internet? Why do I need to prove to these people who don´t know me, that I look good today? Or that I went to this awesome party, hung out with awesome people at an awesome house? Can I still enjoy things, and moments without having to share them with the entire world?
I wanted to know.
I got a message a few months ago, from a girl asking me why I haven´t been writing as much as I usually do. Huh?! I have 13 writing blog posts just alone in my drafts, more than Ive ever written in six months...ever! I was annoyed at first, but I then realized that I simply just dont share as much as I used to. I don´t feel the need. In addition to the fact that writing about a new topic every month, while staying focused and prioritzing school and posting about it the second it´s finished is very exhausting.... I didn´t desire the validation I used to crave. I didn´t read through my DM´s after posting. I didn´t share about every single thought and feeling popping into my head... I just tried to live in the moment as much as I could. And having done both, sharing every second, and not taking my phone out once - I got my answer. If I could still enjoy things and moments without having to share them with the entire world.
The answer is ...obviously, yes.
But you want to know the other side of the answer? I didn´t have more fun. I don´t look back on the trips where I was constantly documenting, as being less enjoyable than the trips and moments where I unplugged. Honestly. I had fun regardless of my phone storage being full or not. And that, was unexpected. I thought my experiment of putting my phone away and breathing in the air, waving to the birds, smelling the roses - would be leaps and bounds more fulfilling than viewing it through a camera lens. But it really wasn´t. It was the same. The times I was glued to my camera/phone, I was capturing the laughter, the slipping on the ice, the dancing in front of the Eiffel Tower, the kissing strangers at a beach party. Those things happened, and they were real, and they were just as fun and memorable with or without a camera. And genuinely, I am glad I have those memories on film. I think my point here is that it wasn´t the documenting that ruined things for me. It was never that. It was the intention behind what I was documenting. It goes back to my values, like I said from the `Miss Norway blog post` "if my intention behind the capturing was for it to show my future kids someday, or to laugh about with my friends and family in 10 years while we sit around reminiscing on our twenties, then it was pure. It was great. But if my intention behind the capturing was for it to show people how cool and funny I was, it just made me anxious. And sad, really."
Today, someone commented on an old blog post of mine. It was "THAT ONE TIME I WENT TO FRANCE" blog post. The comment said "I feel like this sofie died lowkey"
And sheeeeeesh! That one hurt!
I´m still the same sofie, with the same zest for life. Sunsets still make me cry, and I still fall in love with being alive, every single day. Despite my personal struggles - I love life. And I miss sharing that with you guys too. I don´t want you to think that just because I´m not posting all the time about how amazing and crazy some experiences was, means I´ve changed. I´m just trying to focus on my intentions you know? But I don´t ever want to lose sight of that young and hungry 2019-2021 sofie who created that life for herself. And part of that was posting and sharing my best moments online. So I guess, I just need to find the balance.
That´s what life is really all about right, balance? Life has been changing like crazy for me in the last two years, and I´m trying my best to adjust and maintain that perfect balance.
I can´t believe summer´s here. Winter and spring is over for 2023. Its been beautiful, monumental, heartbreaking, life changing and I feel like you guys don´t even know half of the craziness of everything that went down these past couple of months, (and also really like the last two years) - But you know what? I´ll just save it for the memoir.