OUT OF THE WOODS
hi internet friends <3
For this post, I kinda just wanted to write. Give you all a little life update. Some girl talk.
First and foremost, I feel like it´s most important to address the squad and let you all know how much better I am doing mentally.
I´m at the stage of my healing process where people around me are starting to say things like "yeah dude that was wild lol"
And I can´t even blame them.
It was wild! I felt like I went through hell and back this year.
But honestly I do feel like I am finally out of the woods.
Coming out of a deep depression was some of the hardest work I´ve ever done. It´s the reason I was in it for so long,
I spent the winter in those woods, in the shadows, in all the parts of me that I was ashamed of. It was necessary for my growth. For my rebirth. I think the reason it was so intense for me, was because I have been putting off feeling my feelings for my entire life. It was a lot at once. But I was so committed to the process. Committed to making my mind a comfortable place to live in. Determined to rise from the ashes.
And it feels like I´m finally getting there.
Ahhh! It’s kind of exciting, right?
There was no magic cure. No instant fix. No outside source could have pulled me out of that darkness. And that was the hardest part of it all. I knew it had to be me. I knew that on day one.
(Being a self aware mentally ill person is a different kind of pain)
So I would say,
I’m nearing the light at the end of the tunnel...but it’s a long walk out of here.
I’m choosing to be happy every morning. I’m choosing to keep marching towards that light. I’m choosing to get the hell out of the tunnel, for good.
And it’s not a fun choice. It’s not an easy choice, either. In fact, my tired soul craves sadness. She begs for it.
Every morning mom pokes her head through the door during my bath.
“Are you happy or sad today?” She’ll ask.
The answer was “sad” for probably 84 days in a row, and then we went on a Coldplay concert and I threw in a “happy” just to shake things up.
Summer came and I was happier, and now fall is here two months later and I am happy! I give more happy replies than sad ones.
But even still, I sometimes have to fake it.
Some mornings, a familiar sadness creeps up on me and sits on top of my shoulders, weighing me down. It happened last week. Nothing in particular will be wrong, but the heaviness is enough to make me rack my brain and pick a reason.
Mom knocked on the door to say good morning and ask how I was doing. Every part of me wanted to give up the fight. Give into the heavy weight on my shoulders and let it keep me down. Run into her arms and succumb to the sorrow that had become so comfortable to me during the winter months. I was becoming addicted to the suffering.
So instead, I paused for a second, and then with a half forced smile, I shot a thumbs up from out of the bath.
“HAPPY!” I yelled.
I still have to lie some days. To mom. To the mirror. But I’ve found that if I make that choice first thing in the morning, if I make the declaration that I am happy, the sadness gets bored. It leaves. And the weight on my shoulders does too.
I wrote about inner child work last what? month? and that was a huge factor in my healing as well. Going back to things I loved to do as a kid. Dancing, reading, writing in my diary, giving myself makeovers, swimming, even just running in a grassy field! Playing is so good for the soul. And I’m so lucky to have my two younger brothers who is constantly bringing me back to that awareness. Always giving me a reason to play, and connect with that part of myself again.
Magnus & Tinius, I just love to watch them grow. I love to watch them learn. I love that they both gets emotional when we listen to beautiful music. I love how they feeeeels the music in their bodies so much that they bounce into dancing. I can’t list the things I love about those boys without mentioning how sweet they are. THERE. I SAID IT.
Mom & dad is doing amazing, as always. Their baseline is cheerful and content, and it’s so lovely to be around. They provide such a gentle and balanced environment for our family and I am so thankful.
I could have 84 sad days in a row or 84 happy days in a row and Sara would still treat me the same. With so much love, so much patience.
I want to look back on my blog as a journal of my journey. You know I intend to spill all my life stories in a book someday, but I also really appreciate the art of documenting life as it happens. I always want to express with vulnerability, how I’m feeling about chasing my dreams. In the moment.
In this moment, I’m feeling so thankful. It’s really hitting me lately. I’ve been taking time to pause and zoom out, to try and get some real perspective. It’s hard to see growth up close. Especially when I’m right in the thick of it all and it’s often messy and stressful. It’s my friends and family who have to remind me how much of an amount growth I’ve been having.
But on the flip side, I would say the biggest thing I’m struggling with right now, is balance. It’s so hard for me to find a healthy balance with study life, personal life, social life, etc.
But what I’ve been told by many intelligent woman that I love and respect, is that you don’t. You don’t find balance.
So I’m trying to accept that, while also trying to rise above the pressure. Trying to take control of my life, while also trying to surrender to the flow of it.
It comes back to that feeling of being out of the woods. It’s so refreshing to be out of the woods. The phrase “out of the woods” (before Taylor Swift reclaimed it for her historic Harry Styles break up anthem) essentially meant,
“don’t feel safe until you’re out of danger.”
I was in fight or flight mode for months. I couldn’t convince myself I was safe.
Being out of the woods is knowing you’re safe. Knowing you’re out of danger.
With my depression & anxiety. With my love life and with my future, I finally feel out of the woods.
Safe from danger. Safe from the rug being ripped out from under me.
There’s a beauty in that security. That first breath of fresh air.
But what’s scary about being out of the woods...is there is nothing to hide behind. You’re suddenly out there in the wide open again.
Because the woods are a good place to hide. A good place to get your shit together away from the world, too. To rebuild. To prepare. But then what? What happens when you finally get your shit together? What happens when you do reach the light at the end of the tunnel?
I guess that’s my next lesson.
It feels so good to feel like myself again. But a better me. Like I had a software update...or like I just got out of the repair shop.
I see the world through a different lens now.
I don’t take things personally anymore. I don’t obsess over how I am perceived.
Last month, as usual, there were several emotional releases on my drive to work. But this time, they were mostly because of how blessed and thankful I was feeling.
I’m in the moment, every moment and even the mundane is starting to feel beautiful again.
That’s really all I wanted when I was deep in those depths of depression and numbness.
To feel those small moment of joy!
Talk to you soon
I love you