IT´S NEVER TOO LATE
One of my favorite books is The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
This specific excerpt really stuck with me,
"if we see a child who is two or three, perhaps four years old, we find a free human. Why is this human free? Because this human does whatever he or she wants to do. The human is completely wild. Just like a flower, a tree, or an animal that has not been domesticated - wild! And if we observe humans who are two years old, we find that most of the time these humans have a big smile on their face and they´re having fun. They are exploring the world. They are not afraid to play. They are afraid when they are hurt, when they are hungry, when some of their needs are not met, but they don´t worry about the past, don´t care about the future and only live in the present moment."
As a former small wild human...I have to say, they really have it all figured out.
I envy two types of minds in this world.
A 2 year old´s mind, and the mind of Kanye West.
They are free!
I was free, once upon a time. I remember it well. Elementary School.
My recess gig as a kid was either making up dances for the popular girls, (that was a universal experience, right?) or the classic sport of kissing tag. I was a kindergarten legend.
My weekend gig was rounding up the neighborhood kids for night games. I loved to have fun, but even more, I loved to be the reason other people had fun.
I would host summer parties each year, in my garden. Im not sure if my mom ever knew. I´m not sure if any of the parents around the block ever knew.
I was a raging feminist even back then, and for that, boys were never allowed at my summer parties garden. So I´d write down on a note and hand them out to any girls younger than me around my neighborhood (I´d found that anyone above the 4th grade wouldn´t pay $10 bucks to hang out with all of the neighborhood kids in Mugaas´s garden for a weekend.)
But it was legit. Fully planned out motivational thoughts, a talent show (with opening and closing performances by me of course), photo ops, and always finished off with refreshments (chocolate milk and fruit snacks.)
By sunday we would run out of things to do, so I would take the girls with me to jump on the trampoline.
I called it "the girl trampoline."
We´d jump up and down, and to every boy passing by we´d shout things like,
"GIRLS RULE! BOYS DROOL! GIRLS ARE SMART! BOYS ARE STUPID!"
Times were simple. I miss it.
A couple weeks ago I was babysitting my mom´s friend son, Samuel. Now, watching Samuel play, so uninhibited, so untamed, and I was jealous of those eyes that are seeing and experiencing the world for the first time. I´m jealous of the curiosity. How his chubby little feet tap, tap, tap around the house, following his tiny mind wherever it wants to go. I´m jealous of how little he cares of what anyone thinks of him. I´m jealous that he isn´t even aware of that concept yet. I´m jealous of his ability to prioritize his needs. How he cries when he´s hungry, or how he violently throws his body when I wont read him chicka chicka boom boom for the 45th consecutive time. He knows excatly what he wants, and he communicates that in the adorable ways he knows how. I´m jealous of how passionately he loves things. Whether it´s his mini bike, skateboard, the next door´s neighbors puppy, or just seeing his mom walk in the door for picking him up after work. His entire face lights up. Every day is the best day ever.
When do we lose that?
That playful curiosity, that wonder of the world.
When do we become tamed?
When do we become scared?
I always think about what I would be like at 21 years old, if I had stayed wild and undomesticated all these years.
Who was I supposed to grow up to be?
Who was I before the world got to me?
About a year ago, I started therapy to process all these years of taming. Inner child work brought me back home to myself.
I love how The Holistic Psychologist describes the inner child,
"The inner child is an unconscious part of the mind where we carry our unmet needs, suppressed childhood emotions, our creativity, our intution, and our ability to play."
Inner child work can be found in many types of therapy. Trauma therapy, Internal Family Systems, EMDR, Somatic work, etc.
What´s special about inner child work is it´s intention to speak to our inner child through their langauge, a language that is emotionally based, rather than expressed through intellectual thoughts and words.
It´s been facinating, honestly, to see how my childhood traumas have manifested into adulthood. To pinpoint when I was specifically hurt as a child, and finally undersand the reasons I have been stuck for so long.
It´s given me amazing empathy for my younger self. Who always thought she needed to tone herself down to make others comfortable. Who always thought she was responsible for the mood in the household. Who always thought she wasn´t good enough.
I have empathy for the girl who still thought all of those things until very recently.
I´ve spent the last year, reparenting myself, meditating, journaling, PLAYING! and doing things my child self loved to do.
Connecting with that scared, traumatized, version of myself has healed me.
It made me free again.
As free as a kindergartner playing kissing tag.
When you show yourself compassion for things that were always out of your control, it´s never too late to have a happy childhood.
I guess my inner child is back for good.
I missed her.
Sofie
